One day out of the hospital and up to TN we go! I am thoroughly grateful for the fact that I was able to travel so quickly after my little visit to the cardiac unit. What happened????? Beats me. One minute I am sitting at the computer, perusing statuses on Facebook, waiting for my colleagues to arrive so that we can all ride together to another colleague’s house for a get-together—-and the next my heart is beating out of whack—-a little something the docs like to call “atrial fibrillation”—and everything changes.
So now I am NOT off to the colleague’s house for the pool party, I am NOT driving, I am NOT sure what is going to happen. Of course, my cardiologist is on vacay. SOOOOO, I get to talk to the triage nurse at the office who confers with another of the doctors who tells me to take some meds and wait. And I do. And I lie down—all day. At 4ish pm, I call the doc’s office again. Take some more meds and if you aren’t “right” by 6pm, go to the ER.
So I do—David drives me and I get an EKG–that confirms the AFIB. Then I get an x-ray of my chest. Then I get put back into an ER holding pen (you know, the cloth curtained cubicles???) All told, it takes about 4 hours to get me put on heparin, have the doctors do blood work to confirm that my cardiac enzymes are OK and to get me admitted to see if I’m going to convert to a normal sinus rhythm on my own or if they are going to have to electrify me—the actual procedure is called “cardioversion”–but basically it is getting the shocky thing to make your heart behave.
Long story (already) short—this time I had to have the cardioversion. Every other time (3 others, total) that I have had the AFIB, I’ve always converted on my own. This time, they zapped me. It was fine. I am fine, but tired.
The worst part of this whole thing is the worry and consternation that it causes those who love me. I really hate being a worry and a bother. I really don’t like to see my daughters frightened because they think I’m going to die. I hate disrupting the plans. I don’t like being in the hospital (although I must say for the record that I received exceptionally great care this time….wonderful nurses and technicians, all–even a cardiologist with a sense of humor.)
I’m finding, however, the more I pay attention, the more curveballs are everywhere and in fact, mostly there is change and uncertainty and the need for flexibility. There is also so much to be thankful and grateful for, perhaps even the unknown lurking around each corner. The clouds in the sky are always changing, but they remain as beautiful as ever in their mutations. I watch my daughters grow up everyday and see how lovely they are and how different they are from what they were–sometimes from hour to hour!
I want to be more open to these unexpected occurrences, to learn what they have to teach me. Not to get all Ram Dass, but I’m trying to “be here now”–not think so much about all the mistakes I’ve made, all the things that could have been—and not too much about what the future will hold and how I’m going to get there. Nope. Just trying to live the best I can right now and trust that everything that is happening is what is supposed to be.
I’m not sure what the AFIB is teaching me. Maybe not to be so scared of things that happen to the body. Maybe to trust more—because, let me tell you, you gotta trust when someone is going to apply some electricity to your heart! Maybe it is just to keep me from counting on the things of the world that are really not that important when you come right down to it.
I’m happy to be here. Glad my heart is back to its boring old sinus rhythm. Blessed to be loved by so many people. And hopeful that the lessons that are being offered to me by all the curveballs I get thrown are sinking in the way they are supposed to!